Saying Good-bye


Losing someone is probably one of the more surreal experiences of human existence. With the recent loss of my uncle I have been even more reflective on the process of letting go and saying good bye.

It takes our brains a while just to process the very idea of someone no longer being in our lives. When I was initially told he was gone I spent the next few  hours just trying out the sound of the words, “he is dead”. It sounded so final and I was struggling with that very thought. It meant that I had to integrate this huge concept of him no longer being not only in my life, but living at all.

I was okay that day because it was still a concept. A foreign idea that needed time to really sink in. My main sadness was for his family and how they must be struggling.

The next day I was not okay. I knew he was dead and that there was no return. The idea that this is a natural part of our existence just seemed to make it all feel so much more confusing. I had a hard time wrapping my head around what was making me so sad.

At first I thought it was all of things he would miss out on. I thought I was grieving his loss. Instead I realized my grief was for the physical  loss I felt. The removal of him from my life, my cousins life, his wife’s life and all of the other lives he had touched. The hole that was left be his dying.

I started to really feel the hole that this loss made. He would never again be a part of any of my new experiences. I only had the past. Memories of him kept bubbling to the surface. Memories that had formed my understanding of him as a man and the place that he held in my life. I also saw how he was a part of my foundation and was intertwined with the very core of my being.

As I explored this hole I also started to feel grateful.  I could honour him by continuing to live in a way that was meaningful. He wasn’t as gone as I had thought because I had a part of him with me forever. I could nourish those parts and carry them on to my family and the people around me. I can share who he is by being me.

The hole now feels a little less gaping and more a space that I will hold and treasure. It is his place and I have no need to fill it.

Good bye is still painful and I know there are still many tears to fall but I am okay to move forward. I can support those around me now and be there as they find their own way.

Peter Beltgens  July 2, 1954 - February 19 2014

Peter Beltgens
July 2, 1954 – February 19 2014

The Best Birthday Gift Ever


I turned 36 today.

I had been dreading this day all month. Not because of the whole age thing, (although it is weird how 36 magically feels like 40 is tomorrow), but because life has been a struggle for us lately and I felt like I had very little to celebrate. I have ideas on where I SHOULD be in my life and well we sure aren’t there.


That’s 36 candles

If you have been following my blog you know the last year has been filled with financial ups and downs and has now landed on a big, fat, massive, down. We keep plodding along  but it’s getting harder to find my inner Pollyanna when even my grocery budget is at an all time low.


I find myself praying for help and guidance to whatever gods or divine entities might be listening and asking the universe for an endorsement. That’s what people do in the self actualizing books I read, they pray and the universe provides, (I think I’ve only read 2 but it seems to be a trend). I’m also guessing there wouldn’t be much of a story in praying and nothing happening…

When I made it across three lanes of traffic, exiting a gas station and zoomed straight over to a turning lane, I had a hard time not putting it through a divine lens… Was that the universe offering encouragement, I mean it was pretty miraculous. Or was that the most assistance I could hope for… minor traffic miracles.

I have a hard time with the whole divine intervention thing any way. I want to believe the universe has some best laid plans that also incorporate free will and my humanity but who knows. I guess at worst I look a little nutty talking to the air while I drive and at best some fat little six armed tree will help us out and things will get better quicker then with just us making it happen.


Divine Unicorn Spirit Incarnate

Back to my birthday. This morning I awoke full of dread about the unfulfilled expectations I was sure I would experience because somehow I had decided that being broke and not having a ‘perfect’ life meant I would obviously not have a good day.

But I am truly grateful for how wrong I was.


I don’t know if it was realizing that expectations are just that and that my actual life is what matters or if it was giving up all my brains crazy shit and just BEING. Maybe a bit of both…

Instead, I have been given I gift I don’t know if I would have received at any other time.

I feel wrapped in love and kind regard. I feel honoured by the words I have received and the gift of the moment people took to think of me today. I feel acknowledged and cherished. Knowing that so many people believe and care about me has replenished my belief too. Who I am to challenge the amazing people I have in my life and if they see some thing worth loving then it must truly be there. 

So even if that little tree doesn’t come to our rescue and even if nothing changes I will remember today and how I feel.

I guess my gift today was realizing that this time will pass just like other crappy times have too. But that who I am, how I am in this moment and the family and friends I have surrounded myself with are my actual life. That I have been blessed with more than I sometimes feel I deserve and to not honour and treasure what I have is a disservice to those gifts I have been given.

So thank you all, for being a part of my life and for being the inspiration and strength I can pull from when my own well is running low.


PS I have a tonne of recipes I’m working on so now that I got this pity party over with I should be able to shift gears and get back to writing about my other true love, food! I gotta say there is some serious creativity that takes place in broke ass meal prep 🙂

PPS If this is your first time checking out my site I also have a Facebook page where I post nightly meal ideas. Come on over and say hi!!

Leftovers for Lunch or Fill the Freezer


Hubby and I have been together from almost 10 years and I know it makes me a massive dork but I keep falling more in love with him.

There was a time where my tough exterior, (I do have tattoos) and a need for protection, kept me from admitting how much he meant to me. And I’d be lying if I said it was that long ago. new baby day 016

The last remnants of the wall just crumbled down this year. I think the struggle of having him work in another province really put into perspective how much he actually did and want he meant to our lives. I realized I cared a lot less about how the towels were folded and a lot more about having someone to talk to.

I wrote a blog post acknowledging what a jerk I had really been. He’d jokingly asked for it in writing when I apologized to him and since I’m an overachiever he got a public declaration of my wrongness.

The funny thing is that I had struggled with the whole loving my hubby as much as I do thing. In some ways a deep part of me thought it’s a sign of weakness to admit I need him and that I truly love the guy.Licking

I reflect on this one a lot. What what was it that I saw as weak? Was it admitting that I need someone? or the fear that if I broke down all the walls around my heart then I left myself open to hurt? Maybe I thought he’d start using my weakness against me?

I think I was just straight up scared. It meant that I had to honestly accept him for everything he is and isn’t. What he would be and what I might have to let go of ever having. I have to be accepting of the life we have and I have to take the chance that I might get really hurt.

A million years ago my auntie told me that when I was able to open up completely and be vulnerable, holding nothing back, then I would really be in LOVE. I thought I had done that but I realized I hadn’t. I’d been holding on to past resentments and my own fears of rejection.

Letting go and opening up changed everything so when I say now that I love him, this is more than a love for cheese,this is the full force of my heart open to him. This is me wanting to be with him old and feeble, young and broke, tired and in a messy house.20131109-221243.jpg

And the best part is that when I opened my heart to him he did the same for me. Each day I see the trust and belief we have in each other grow. I wanted to share that joy and that feeling of knowing that I am loved because with it comes the strength I have to do what I do and I think he draws from it too. We revel in each others successes and I trust more than ever that if the world wants to give us lemons that we’ll make the best damn lemon tart with it EVER, (really did you expect anything but a food analogy??)

This last week I lent my support in a more tangible way. Hubby’s got a new gig working on a tugboat running around on log booms. Cold, wet and dangerous so of course he loves every minute of it.

I wanted to make sure he had filling, warm suppers that would make great lunches the next day. Gotta nurture my superhero hubby, (seriously you should see what these guys do!).

This is not my usual cooking style so I pulled from some fellow bloggers recipes, adapting them a little of course because I can’t help playing with my food. I think this week is a great one for this time of year and if you don’t have someone who needs hearty lunches it’s a week of meals that will give you a freezer full of leftovers to pull from as needed.


Irish Beef Stew
I used this recipe as a starting place and tried to recreate the stew I’ve had at Sean’s aunts. I added crushed tomatoes, peas and used stewing beef. It was hearty and filling and I made a big enough pot that I had 6 portions to freeze for lunches


Chicken Tortilla Lasagna
This is one of the few times I use a pre-made canned soup. It makes for a quick prep and tastes delicious. Using rotisserie chicken speeds supper up even more

Chicken Tortilla Lasagna

Chicken Tortilla Lasagna


Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese
It was less challenging to make my own then I expected but my recipe needs another round of testing so I’ll share the one I used as a starting place for inspiration. Next time I want to add tortellini into the soup and I think that would make for a little more hubby friendly meal (by hubby friendly I mean really filling)

Grill Cheese and Tomato Soup

Grill Cheese and Tomato Soup


Perogy Bake
I was short on ideas this week and this made for a no thought supper. I placed a layer of  boiled perogies in a baking dish and topped with crumbled cooked bacon, fresh tomatoes, sautéed onions and sprinkled on some cheese. I baked this at 350 until the cheese was bubbly and served them with plain yogurt


Tuna Casserole (aka Tuna Surprise)
I’ve made tuna casserole twice this year and that was 2x more than I had ever eaten it since I was 7. My dad made a terrifying version and I had been scarred, but I have moved on and find it’s a cheap and easy casserole that my children wolf down.

Tuna Surprise

Tuna Surprise


Chicken, Leek and Mushroom Cobbler
I used this recipe and it was great. I would cut back on the thyme as I found it a little overwhelming. I also added plain yogurt to the sauce and it seemed to cut back some of the richness.


Baked Tortellini Casserole with Cheese and Veggies
Another easy supper inspired by something I saw on Pinterest that made for fabulous lunches. I used a cheese filled tortellini and prepared them to package instructions. Then added in a jar of my home-made marinara. I had sautéed onions, peppers, mushrooms and zucchini and added that in too. Then topped the whole thing with grated cheese and baked it for 30 minutes at 350. 

Baked Tortellini

Baked Tortellini

So there it is a sweet love story and a week of meals that will either feed a small army (or my husband) with delicious suppers and leftover lunches.

I have a Facebook page too. I post nightly meals, tips and tricks and just share a little more about how I keep my family fed with healthy and low-cost meals. So come check it out at

Finding Myself


I’m not writing a post about recipes or meal planning, but it’s food for thought… or maybe feeding my soul so I think it’s allowed. Today I had a reminder of how much has changed since my husband started working away a year ago. He called to talk about stretching his stay another week and I didn’t panic. When he first left two weeks was overwhelming, now a month is long but doable.
More then that is different too. When he first went to work our relationship was on rocky ground and honestly, if he hadn’t gone we might not be still together. On my own, there was no choice but to look in the mirror and face some harsh realities.
I am a hundred times stronger then I thought, and a way bigger a**hole then ever imagined. It’s been humbling and rewarding and as much as I miss my hubbers more then anything everyday he is gone this has been such a gift to me and to our relationship that I wouldn’t trade it at all.
Here are some of the biggest shifts and learnings I’ve had.
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